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Joe Sheridan
His Excellency President for Life, Field Marshal Joe Sheridan, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of all the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, and Conqueror of the British Empire in Europe in General and Norway in Particular. Little is known of Joe Sheridan; it is said that he was born in Norway, under the wing of a dangerous dragon, whom raised him in the Norwegian Fjords. This dragon, "Lindworm", spoke a single word to this boy. "Martin", was that word. This was to be the boy's name, as the dragon would teach him the way of magics and dragon-tongue. Martin was forced to mature (may-chur) in this inhospitible place, wearing nothing but his pride as he faced the unrelenting cold and frozen winds. The dragon, Lindworm, had Martin undergo challenge after challenge, until he was strong enough to wield the dragon's own might sword. The sword has three western letters etched into the side, reading out "T.G.S." (See right) Aged six, 'Martin' was left alone, the dragon venturing off deep into his cavern. Martin knew what this meant, it was his destiny to carry the dragon's sword through the World, and to strike down the evil and corrupt. He would lift from the ground, carried by his own bravery and courage, his hair remaining still as he rocketted into the sky. He would exit Earth's atmosphere, simply to take a deep breath of the space vaccuum, and then to fall back to Earth. On re-entering Earth's atmosphere, Martin reached almost impossible speeds, his clothing and armour burning up, leaving an eighty metre trail of fire. This act caught the eye of every human in the Asian continent, at which point North Korea would claim that "We have been to the moon; it was pretty boring." Martin landed solidly onto his feet back in Norway, crushing a bear. He then used this blood to smear the letters "T.G.S." on his chest, his arms, and his back. Martin stormed towards a town, passing through in a matter of seconds, stealing the virginity of each and every girl before they could even note that he was there. Satisfied, Martin would reside in an empty home, forging an expertly-made chair from his anus, at which he sat and pondered. It is not known what he pondered at this time, but many would suggest they were dark, sadistic thoughts. It was at this moment that Martin discovered it, a small metallic object. It was flat, with a little green light on the side, and the world "Dell" incribed on the top. He touched the object (laptop), at which point the entire internet was absorbed into his brain. Martin shivered and fell, the monstrosity of the internet overwhelming even him. He lay silently on the ground, crying as furry porn, anime and American propaganda flooded his mind. He went into a total shut down, only whimpering and crying for the next five years. Once his brain had managed to kill off the majority of itself, and then regenerate it, he awoke. His muscles were gone, his hair grey and his sword had left him. He crawled towards the beast that had done this to him, staring at the screen that simply said "Welcome". As he stared, his muscles began to regenerate, and rage built within himself. He cried out, destroying the majority of the city "I need a better computer!" He jumped from the rubble, charging toward an electronics store, stealing each and every computer he could find. With these machines, he bound them all together with his own feces and pubic hair, creating the most powerful computer in existence. To power this foul contraption, he would need to simply talk to a low whisper, to transfer enough energy into it. He immediately went about creating a page for himself, with the initials of "T.G.S." He would use this to train up warriors like himself, at which point he could create a powerful enough army to defeat the monster (internet).